on turning 16

sixteen.

this time, i was running on 4 hours of sleep (i’m the type of person who needs at least 7-8 hours of sleep to function properly. my mind thinks otherwise and believes that i have the strength to perform well on less hours than that), a sore eye and still a troubled mind. but hey! special day ain’t it? i tried to push that aside for a few hours and just think of the positives that were happening that day.

so, what has the last ~5844 days of existence meant to me?

i guess i’m still in awe that there is only one version of me. one body of me. one mind of me. i have shaped my own experiences on the path God has set for me, i have felt all sorts of emotions, i have met people that give me warmth, happiness, comfort, i have met people who make me feel uneasy, frustrated, exhausted. i have moulded the life i have right now.

and for that i am ever so grateful to Him. for i have cried, laughed, smiled, knowing that whatever hardships, worry, pain, discomfort, has been set out for me for a reason and He has always something better than that somewhere near. it gives me so much relief and assurance that He has guided me on this journey and will continue to do so without fail.

and i wish it is every day, every minute, every second, that i remind myself of that – and not just passing moments like this one now. my mind has been troubled, lost, confused for the past month and my body has just been distracted and burdened by it. i overthink each night, and then get frustrated at myself for not having a good night for rest. it aches me so much to let myself be trapped in this state, but somehow, right now, i just can’t seem to let go of it. i’m stuck.

perhaps what i’ve learnt from this so far is to just slow down. i think i too often am caught up in what’s coming, and i worry about it too much and let it take over me. i need to give myself time. i need to remember to breathe. i need to remember the present. i need to remember i have sources – people whom i know have got my back, and will be there for me. i need to stop ignoring that.

so i think what i want to remind myself for the next year would be

  1. everything will fall into place, one way or another
  2. there are people who actually care for you. they may not entirely understand you but they will try and i think that’s more than ok.
  3. God is listening
  4. take it slow, take breaks but never stop.

but for now, here’s where i am. at 16,

physical

my hair is slightly longer than shoulder length.

my eyebrows are still pretty neat because i had threaded them a week ago.

i am wearing blue.

my legs are hairy and i want to wax them asap.

mental

lost, dazed

feels a need to take a month long break to sort things out

want to make brownies for friends & self because brownies always give some sort of comfort

music choices the past few days have been subsonic eye and my ‘oK’ spotify playlist.

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